KAILE LOVES

Salvation

2010-08-22T21:47:00.003+08:00

Welcome back people to my blog.
I apologise for not posting anything for the past idk how long now.

I've been really busy with ns.
So here i am now, trying to update something.

It's been pretty much hectic this few months.
I've seen,heard,experienced alot of happiness,sorrow and pain.

Lost a few, gained a few and yet i'm still empty.
There may be some obstacles i've yet to clear but imma just lay low for now.

I'm pretty much given up hope on finding anything.
Finding that missing piece in life.
Finding that special someone.
Finding my own purpose in life.

I hate how things always turn out bad no matter how much precautions i've taken to ensure nothing ever goes wrong.
Why in the world must people hate me??
What in the world have i done to you people??

And seriously i'm getting really pissed off with people who come and go.
You people think i'm a help desk is it?

But all in all, there are still some people who still make me smile.
My damn fun homies.

They are the one's that are always there for me.
Yes, they may be irritating at times but they still stick through thick and thin.
I'm pretty glad that things are gradually progressing for everyone.

I guess im just gonna sit back and have myself a drink while i watch the world move past.

280510

2010-05-28T00:09:00.003+08:00

Apparent things have been going on this past few weeks.
Things between us have heated up to a point where it's unbearable.

My life, my story, my world.
It's slowly becoming more hectic.
More time consuming.
Like a wick slowly burning out.

I just hope today things would be settled.
I'd really want things to be set straight.
For me, my friends and for future events happening.

Till my next post..

To my lil lion princess

2010-05-22T21:20:00.002+08:00

At first, i was very reluctant to meet you due to certain reasons.

I was afraid that i wouldn't click well with you.

But after awhile, hanging out and so forth.

We actually got closer weeks after weeks.

I was happy that we were getting closer.

The first time we hugged before saying our goodbyes.

The first time you rested your head on my chest.

All those morning/night text and calls.

I appreciate all that you've done for me.

Rushing through your hectic schedule just to meet me and all.

But i came to realize that no matter how hard i try,

i can never reach into your heart.

It's as though a brick wall was placed there.

No matter how much i try to break down that wall,

I'd only end up bruising myself.

I'm afraid that things wouldn't go the way i hoped for.

But you would always be there, somehow reassuring me that theres still hope.

After today's event, i thought we could go much closer to each other.

But my fears finally came true.

You uttered those words, without emotions.

"You're getting annoying".

I was stunned,shocked and baffled.

Why would you suddenly say that sentence to me?

When i've never even done anything wrong to you.

That sentence although short.

Is still being played in my mind.

Like a record player on playback.

Like i said before.

I'm afraid things would turn out worse.

I'm afraid that i'd get hurt in the end.

This tiger's heart has a very fragile spot.

And you managed to get a direct hit on that particular spot with your words.

I'm afraid that if things were to still continue.

I may have fallen deeply in love with you.

And i'm afraid that when love comes, despair will follow suit.

Before anything worser happens, i'd rather we stop all this.

If you don't see the same vision about us then we'd better stop fooling ourselves.

I'm afraid lion.

Afraid that this poor tiger's heart will not be able to take another fatal blow.

Rainy Days

2010-05-16T18:18:00.001+08:00

It's raining heavily today.

I have a confession to make.

I think i may have fallen for her.

But i'm still confused, what if things happen.

Hands of time

2010-05-09T14:59:00.002+08:00

Hey there homies..

It really has been awhile since i last posted something up.

My apologies for not updating any single shit at all.

Been really busy trying to spend time with friends and family.

Ns is really effing using all my free time.

Well, to start things first, im back to where i began.

Things have been pretty wild since the last time i remembered.

New people i've met.

New people i've loved.

But all in all, all the experiences i've had.

I'm happy that my relationship with all my friends are still holding strong.

The people from Yishun and Gombak.

You guys rock my socks off.

Sadly to say, love life hasn't been all that well.

I admit, i've made some bad decisions throughout my whole life.

Done some bad stuff.

Said some bad stuff.

To those who were insulted or assaulted by me, i hope you'd find it in your heart to forgive me.

This heart has experienced near death.

Feeling the pressure of almost losing someone you hold dear to your heart.

Feeling the ache of knowing that your loved one doesn't love you at all.

Feeling the coldness that this heart hasn't felt for a very long long time.

And yet here i am, struggling.

To finally be able to feel true love.

Real love.

Not some made up love story or fairytale.

All i ever wanted is your love and soul.

Currently, i noticed some changes in myself.

I'm being more calmer then the past.

I'm less aggressive.

I'm lesser of everything i used to be back then.

Friends,family have all chipped in to help me on my epic journey in life.

They're all my pillars of strength.

And yet, there is but one pillar still missing.

"The Pillar of Love"

Hopefully i'd be able to build that someday soon.

On a lighter note.

I'd like to wish my mummy a very Happy Mother's Day.

She's everything to me.

She has been there for me through all my delirious antics.

My troubled times.

She has shed tears and blood for me.

But no matter what, my mummy always prays for my happiness.

She always prays for me no matter how shitty of a son i am to her.

She has always been the most patient with me.

And that is why i'm doing all i can to make her happy.

To put a smile on her beautiful face.

To stop making her shed tears and worrying 24/7 about me.

"I LOVE YOU MUMMY!"

With all my heart and soul.

Another Day

2010-02-16T03:49:00.002+08:00

Gazing at the stars,
under the dark night sky,
a blanket soo warm,
called "friendship" that'll never die,

I'm blessed to have you guys,
for all that we've been through,
I'd never put a price,
to give up people like you,

I wished upon a star,
and wished real hard,
with eyes shut tight,
my prayers for the night,

God can you see,
that this people you've given me,
they've been here,
through thick and thin for me,

So all im asking,
is to give them some love,
for all their hardwork,
please give them what they deserve,

And please dear God,
help me find my true love,
for its been too long,
my heart yearns for all that i deserve.

Awful beginning

2010-01-06T11:38:00.002+08:00

Hey there people *wave wave*

Lets start off with saying that im really in pain.
My ribcage is experiencing some sharp pain.
Think i may be "going" soon.
wahaha...

After all the time that i've went through,
i always seem to lose the girl that i always wanted.

Why does it always have to end that way.
Don't you know it hurts alot.
Always falling in and out of love really tires me out.

Sometimes i wonder why i was created with feelings.
Who should this feelings be poured upon to?

Nonetheless, i pray that your relationships to come will prosper.

It doesn't matter that i get hurt but at least i want you to smile.

Hopefully, someday,somewhere.
Love will blossom for me.
Till then, my heart,mind,soul is in need of resting.

I've been working my brain and emotions way too much already.

Till then,
Onekaile

2009

2010-01-02T23:40:00.002+08:00

As we look back into 2009, life was pretty difficult for me.
I've done alot of right and wrong things.
Changed myself numerous times.

I'm glad that another year has passed by.
But still sad that life still has to go on without a special person.
Apparently i really got no luck in love at all.

Seeing how things are going, alot of my dates just left me.
They just can't seem to stay even when i've done nothing wrong at all.
It amuses me on why girls just leave me without any notice or reason.

This heart really got trashed badly in 2009.
Badly wounded, scarred, crushed.

Love is slowly becoming bleak for me.
Life has no meaning or purpose.
It's like this soul is crying out for help.

The pain, literally numbing my feelings.

All i'm ever hoping for this year is to find a special girl in my life.
A place we can call our own.

Lost

2009-12-26T11:51:00.002+08:00

If love was all i asked for,
in return my soul I'd give,
to feel the love once more,
an experience,
where my soul can soar,
i am but just me,
without a "you" or "we",
lonely and cold,
yearning for your hold,

If dreams could become reality,
that's the only thing I'd ask for,
for love to become reality,
for my heart to love once more,
but if no one would love me back,
for my love has been undone,
then this heart has reached its limit,
and to love I'll love no more,

Till the day the sun thaws me,
till the day this heart grows strong,
I'll wait for loves call,
and prepare myself,
with heart and soul,
to return that love once more.

Love,
Onekaile

Greetings

2009-12-24T17:15:00.003+08:00

Hey there people.
Been sucha long time since i last posted anything.
Cause nothing much has ever been happening to me.

All i can say is "God save this heart"

I'm being very emotional-swinging this few weeks.
Ns has been really hectic for me.
Tonnes of workload to settle.
Holidays ain't doing anything to release this tension.

*LOVE*

Apparently love hasn't been striking me at all.
Hoping to find that special person real soon.
Perhaps in a few years, thinking of settling down.
Wishful thinking though. "zZz"

I've been doing alot of thinking lately.
Things that i never thought would actually happen to me.
Weird,strange things have been going on lately.
And frankly, i don't quite like how its developing.. "grr~"

On a lighter note, Happy Holidays people!~

words

2009-11-27T00:55:00.000+08:00

If i gave you a paper heart,

would you treasure it,

If i gave you my heart,

would you nurture it,

I don't want to fall apart,

cause i can't handle it,

Can we please make a start,

and get into it,

The lies, the truth,

we ain't playing by the rules,

The up's and down's,

making our love loose,

For you my girl,

i swear upon the world,

Imma give you love,

thats the only thing that's worth..

Princess

2009-10-31T14:00:00.002+08:00

Baby i know i've done some things,
which aren't too good or clean,
i ain't got no discipline,
to prove to you what i mean,

As the stars and the moon lit up the sky,
i pray to GOD and ask him why,
through all the troubles and heartbreaks i've tried,
all i hope is for me to fly,

To spread my wings and soar the sky,
in search of love,
forever mine,
then i stumbled upon this tree,
another being just like me,

I broke the ice and asked her why,
does her face bear soo many lies,
we talked and talked from night till dawn,
our stories shared,
the tales of scorned,

Slowly then did feelings come,
enveloping us one by one,
to this day we've known each other,
i thank GOD cause your like no other,
your deep dark eyes,
your soft sweet kisses,
so please baby,

Take my hand to put things right in pieces.

Newscast

2009-10-19T00:02:00.001+08:00

I'm making an announcement :

I'm officially going to stop skirt chasing.
I'm going to sit by the corner of the room and chill.

Cheers to being alive :D

Wishes

2009-10-01T23:28:00.001+08:00

How heavy can someone's burden be?
How deep can someone's sorrow go?
How fake can someone's personality be?

If saving someone's life earns you nothing.
Then would you even risk it all?

Mirror your soul to the image your projecting.
Stop trying to be someone your not.

How do we perceive reality from illusion?
How do we perceive the truth from lies?

Can we ever be able to do all this?

How does love affect us mentally?
How does love affect us emotionally?

Can it make us stronger,weaker or even die?

Can we live our lives without love?
Is it as important as the air we're breathing?

Why does the topic on love sometimes affect others so painfully that they'd rather not speak of it.

As though its something taboo.
Something that is forbidden.

Why do some find love as something enjoyable.
A dream come true.
A gift from GOD.

Can everyone be able to love?
Can everyone be able to receive that gift from GOD.

Do we have to earn it or will it come naturally?
If so, what must be done?

Should we fake our true identities to be able to feel love?
Should we lie,hurt,cheat and suffer to be in love?

Can love be something more meaningful then that?

Can love last forever?

If so, can i fall in love please...

Easiest

2009-09-19T21:42:00.002+08:00

Morning comes and night falls.
I've been really thinking alot about how things have been going on.

Glad to say that I'm taking things alright now.
Taking it all one stride at a time.

Doesn't really matter if I'm alone or not.
What really matters that i still have my friends around.
The guys of Yishun and Gombak have always been there.

You guys have always brought a smile on my face.
Shooed the boredom away and brought a new meaning to fun.

I'll always remember that as i journey to my next destination.

To what may be of me in the near future, let it be interesting.
If I'll ever get attached again then please let it last.
I don't want a r/s to end in a short time.

Raya will be celebrated with family for this year.
I'm going to be enjoying every moment of it.

Time to think like a grown up.
I'm going to take over my dad's role as the breadwinner in a few years to come.
Wish me the best of wishes.

Till then,
THE END

A thought

2009-09-15T05:56:00.002+08:00

Doesn't it seem so unnatural, for something so innocent can actually turn into an accident.

Holding this light in my hand,the memories flashes right in-front of my eyes.
The sorrow,joy,anguish,hatred.
It plays as if directed by my heart.

The painful yet subtle memories of each and everyone of them.
The time spent,wasted,yearning.
All came to this very day.

How i wished something of this sort didn't happen.
Hoping for something different to occur.
Hoping for a different storyline to abide by.

But alas,who am i to question the director.
The almighty who sees everything.
Although fate may seem cruel.
It has always struck my very emotions to the core.

Sadness,anger,disappointment.
All that I've felt.
All the emotions that have accompanied me throughout this journey.

The full moon glowing in the night.
Always reminds me of that fateful event.

The storm during the night.
Always reminds me of that fateful event.

The scent of that perfume.
Always reminds me of that fateful event.

The places that my memories were buried.
Always reminds me of that fateful event.

What have i done to deserve such cruel fate?
Is my karma slowly catching up on me?
Or is my own actions causing this whole calamity.

Never have i seen a rainbow in any relationships.
No matter how much the sun shines after a storm,the rainbow never did appear.

My time.
Slowly ticking to its last seconds.
Hoping for the script to end.
Wishing that there would be a re-write.

But alas,never will that happen.

Am i destined to live my life in emptiness.
Alone.
Pitiful.

Never have i felt so empty and yet calm at the same time.
I guess,love can never be played with.
The laws of nature is as how it is.

The End

dead.bored.exhausted

2009-09-13T23:31:00.001+08:00

Whats life for me now?
Its been a few days since i last saw the training ground.
How i missed the rigorous training and the bond that we had.

Now im somewhat like the embodiment of the force.

But sadly, one thing just doesnt change.
The fact that i cant seem to find myself a girl who'd be there for me.

I've had plenty but none ever lasted or worse yet,loved me.

Whats left for me?? A wasted future??
Living life alone??

This really sucks.
Haven you felt a sudden longing for someone but when you got to the end,there's nothing.

Crap~The feeling is growing each time i type a letter.

How do i break this cycle of pain,torture,loneliness?

Friends are around but they're there only when necessary.

I need you girl, the one who'll be there for me.
The one who'll be there to take good care of me.
The one that i can call "MY OWN".

Please find me real soon.
I'm afraid that by the time you found me,i'm already dead.

The End

Congratulation

2009-08-22T22:58:00.002+08:00

Congratulation to myself for being the most warped up person.
Congratulation to myself for being born this way.
Congratulation to myself for attracting the wrong attention.

I just dont know why life is starting to become bleak all of a sudden.
It feels like life has become very confusing.
Lies become the truth,Truth means nothing at all now.

Emotions such as love,toleration are slowly seeping away from this vessel.
Im beginning to feel that i cant seem to love anyone now.
I cant seem to control my anger because of certain issues thats been happening.

Right now, im just dragging myself to tomorrow.
Day after day.
Its a endless cycle.
When will this journey end?

Where is that "OFF" button when u need it?

The world is becoming more fucked up.
People are becoming more selfish.

But at least there still are good souls out there who u can call your friend.
Thanks to you guys that im still here.
*Surviving*

Present Life

2009-07-18T09:52:00.002+08:00

Judging from how thngs are going on,
i'm happy.
Never have i felt so contented with life.
Being in National Service and doing my part for the country.
Being with someone who you can really relate too.
All of this things come with a flow.
Good things are coming bit by bit.
Hopefully, things will take a turn for the better in months to come.

I'm praying for your safety,
never want you to be blinded,
By the lights of the day,
in the midst of the night,
Your presence shines in the moonlight,
wanting this to last,
Till the end of time.

Apology

2009-06-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

Saying sorry to you just doesnt clean the dirt that i've done towards your heart.

:(

2009-06-08T10:27:00.000+08:00

Now i'm really shocked and pissed at this current situation.

This sucks big time.

Tadaa~

2009-06-04T04:16:00.004+08:00

Hello there people.
It's been pretty smooth riding for me and life.

I've been hanging out with my friends, my baby and my family.
It's going to be the 13th soon.
And that means im going to NS.
Wahaha XD

The sheer excitement is killing me.
Hope i make it through alive.

Lira & Baby*

For You

2009-05-31T05:17:00.002+08:00

Pada kamu akan ku sayangi.
Untuk kamu akan ku beri.
Tiada lain akan ku miliki.
Rasa cinta ini tidak akan mati.
Inilah janji untuk mu Putri.

Di dalam mimpi hanya ada mu.
Indah benar memori bersama.
Andai takdir mengambil mu dari ku.
Naluri rindu akan tetap kekal pada diri ku.
Atas nama Tuhan yang menjadi saksi, aku menyintaimu Putri Diana.

15 days to go

2009-05-28T01:02:00.002+08:00

Hello there people.
Been awhile since i last posted up something.

Life has been pretty hectic. Trying to squeeze as much time with friends and family.
Oh well, Army already call mah, so must enjoy it to the max.
The guys are planning a gathering around 11th or 12th June to celebrate.
How nice are they. Its great to have friends around when your lonely.

Not too soon, im going to be announcing something interesting.
Wahaha.
Oh well, its OneKaile's life anyways.
CHEERS XD

Random

2009-05-21T04:49:00.002+08:00

Hello there people.

Been having my random nights.
Still cant sleep that well this few days.

Im like weeks away before going for NS.

I hope that things will go well when im away.

My cousin's back. Welcome Home lil brother.

My blood brother met an accident. Praying that your safe.

Till then, i feel like going into an eternal slumber.

I hope i don't have to see the Morning Sun.

Who am I

2009-05-21T00:15:00.002+08:00

Hello there readers.

I have a burning question, Who am I ?

Am i the nice person that everyone feels nice to be around?
Am i the cheerful person that never fails to put a smile?
Am i the kind person that helps people when in need?

Or am i the person that people fear the most?
Because im destructive/violent/abnormal?

Which type of person am i?

You people decide.

Makeshift

2009-05-20T01:47:00.002+08:00

To realise something that your not,
to hear it from someone,
To feel the pain,
throbbing hard in your heart.

To build a relationship,
to feel happiness and sadness,
To see it crumble in front of your eyes,
and to know that it was you who made it.

To see your split half,
merge with someone else,
To see them happy,happier,happiest,
rather then being with you.

To think for a second,
am i not that great of a guy,
To be with someone and to last with,
rather then someone else being with my other half.

I am always alone,
no one ever seems to treat me as a whole,
Always half of what i can do,
until the day that i finally find you.

Emotions

2009-05-17T04:03:00.000+08:00

You know who i am?

Who i really am?

Well, i dont even know myself.

Who or what i have become.

Getting closer to the point, where reality is twisted.

The whisper's are getting louder.

The string is fraying.

I'd go from A to Z in a second.

I'd devour you from the tip of your hair to the tip of your toes.

Smiling while i hear your cries of pain.

My canvas, my artwork.

Breathe in life, breathe in agony.

As my primal instincts are at play.

I am ME.

Hello there HELL.

Reserve me a seat.

My fault

2009-05-17T01:14:00.002+08:00

Dear readers.
It's been a hectic life this few days.
I don't even know what i want in life anymore.

I've been having fever for 3days already.
Perhaps the heat is affecting the way i think.
I got no idea on what my goals and dreams are.
Who to love and what to achieve.

If anyone feels that they know me more then i do.
Please raise your hand and tell me.
I dont even know who and what im capable of doing.
I really need that special someone to be by my side.
To push me towards my dreams and goals.

I apologize to all whom i've given false hope.
I apologize to the hearts that i've toyed with.
I just dont know who to love.
Ever since i've had 19 failed relationships.
Its been really difficult for me to get back on track again.

My friends are the only group of people who are always around to help.
Why can't it be YOU?
I just want someone special that i can call my own.
Is it that hard to find that special someone in life nowadays.
I SWEAR BY THE HEAVENS~

If i ever found you, i promise to always cherish the time we've had together.
Till then, my heart is as cold as ice.
Waiting for your warmth to melt it.

Sigh

2009-05-11T22:56:00.002+08:00

Let alone the breath of a beast,
feel the thunder from its heart,
As it approaches with its lust,
to savor meat and blood of us,
From legends and urban myth,
born from the darkness,
Of humans soul and desires,
crushing the hopes and dreams,
Never letting us out of sight,
till the day of the final judgment.

Misses

2009-05-11T00:17:00.001+08:00

Dad's going off to Qatar for work.
Although i dont seem to show any feelings or emotions towards my parents,
doesn't mean that i dont love them.

Gave my dad a very long and big hug before he went out the door.
He's going to be away for 3-weeks.
That's like frigging long.
zZzZzZz

No other man in the house except for me.
Wahahaha. (bored expression)

Time Management

2009-05-10T16:14:00.001+08:00

Ever wished you could change things.
Ever wished you had control over time.
What would you do if you had that ability.

Would you use it for your own desires.
Would you use it for the good of mankind.

Well,here's what i'll do.

I'll make sure that i wasn't even BORN into this world.

Full moon

2009-05-08T21:50:00.002+08:00

Been awhile since i last saw a full moon.

Life has been the same for me.
Trying to enjoy life before i go for my NS.
I'm enjoying everything except for the fact that i still feel something's missing.

The weather is getting warmer each passing day.
I'm like sweating too much this few days.
Blame it on countries that burn stuff.
Shame on you.*insert face*

Dead.Life.End

Mindless

2009-05-07T22:22:00.002+08:00

Seconds turn to minutes.
Minutes turn to hours.
I am just a human.
With all my worldly desire.

In life we will proceed.
In death we will exit.
For all that we may seek.
The truth lies in deceit.

An angel up in heaven.
A star up in the sky.
A demon down in Hades.
An apocalypse falling from the sky.

We are but chess pieces.
Bounded by our fate.
Destiny is in the hands of the Creator.
And to HIM our prayers are said.

We are but mortals.
Born of flesh and blood.
With desires as a portal.
For demons to claim their rights.

We are but vessels.
Our souls are kept in tight.
There are those that are immortals
Whose vessels are lost in sight.

The one who dwells around us.
The one whose away from sight.
The one who dwells in darkness.
The creatures of delight.

Sensation

2009-05-05T00:32:00.002+08:00

Cup your ears and listen to the waves

Life has been pretty alright since my last heartbreak.
Im hoping that things will get better eventually.
Im going to Tekong for NS on Jun 13.
Heard and read alot of interesting stories happening at Tekong so can't wait to be there.
Hopefully i survive the training and the mental torture of Tekong.
Hoping to bring back some stories of my own to share with u guys.
Im really gonna miss my brothers: both from Yishun and Habib.

To end this post on a lighter note.
Im beginning to enjoy life :D

2009-04-30T01:26:00.001+08:00

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you
I know you want me to want you I want to

Questions

2009-04-29T23:47:00.002+08:00

Questions still lie on my mind.
What does life has to offer for me?

In hopes of finding someone, it ended up with finding nothing at all.
Who is the girl to share my life with?
Will you please come sooner?
I have grown tired of waiting.
My mind's starting to blur.
I am lost in thoughts.

Many i've tried, many have gone.
Some i grew attached too, left without a reason.
I admit i am a loser.
A loser who can never live without a girl.
Knowing that there is no special person to talk to.
To fill up my inbox, to fill up my heart.
It hurts.

The pain is hurting.
The longing for someone, for warmth.
To be able to finally call someone your own.
To love that girl, never getting tired of her.

When will that turn come for me?
Will i never see the light?
Will i be dead and gone when that happens?

My heart aches.
Shivering at the thought of being meaningless.
The thought of me being nothing to all.
I'm afraid that the girl of my life will never come.
That GOD had forgotten to create one for me.

I'm a lost sheep,Mr Wolf eat me up

2009-04-29T19:17:00.000+08:00

It's a beautiful day,
now I'll be ok now that you're not away.
Yesterday, was a terrible day,
and now that you're here I'm ok,
cause you don't know,
how much I, I need you
please don't go,
you're so wonderful,
this I swear, this I know,
you, oh you,
every single thing you do,
I'm so proud of you,
what you do,
when you do the things you do,
they're so you.
So thanks for your help,
you shine so bright,
you are the star that's in my sky.
And I am yours,and you are mine,
whoa you, whoa you,every single thing you do,
I'm so proud of you, what you do,
when you do, the things you do.
That's so you,
and I'm so proud of you, that's so you.

The End

2009-04-28T04:48:00.002+08:00

To Nurul Hanis Bte Kamsir:

Thanks for all the time and experience that we've shared together.
I never once thought that i regretted being with you at all.
But alas, good things always have to come to an end.
You weren't strong enough to be able to push me.
You weren't able to show me the love that i needed.
Instead, you ran away from your responsibilities.

Thank you for being there for me even for a short while.
I appreciate it alot.
Just that i think it wasn't enough to satisfy me.
I am someone who'd give the world to someone.
But i didn't receive the world from you.
My regret, is never to fully get the LOVE that you can give.
My regret, is to crush the LOVE that i have built for you.
You are the ONE for me.
But alas, i was never the ONE for you.

I'm just someone that needs you.
Never the way around.
You never needed me at all.
You just needed me as and when its convenient.

So, the fairytale beginning that i thought would end as
"Happily Ever After"
Ended in a very sorrowful note.

Once again, Thank You for your TIME.

In the making

2009-04-26T08:02:00.002+08:00

All i have now is total rage in my heart, in my soul, in my mind.
Im still watching, im still aching, im still waiting.
For that day when we can be truly together as a complete.

Shivering from anger, from sadness, from love pouring out from my heart.
Nothing is ever gonna stop me from doing what i really want.
To have you baby.
To have you merge as one with me.

I yearn for your care, for your warmth, the feel of your soul connect as one.
I am but who i am.
My mind evolves, into this chimera.
The world is a playground.
Just waiting for something to void it of emotions.

I am a sadist, full of thoughts.
People are but canvas to me.
You are the one that keeps me sane.
My drug, my Ecstasy, my cure.

Love is what links me to you.
Love is what that keeps me sane.
Love is what that keeps me occupied.

Can i crack?
Can i just void myself of my life?
Can i just do what i want?

Moments when your gone, i shudder.
I lose all emotions.
I just feel rage, burning in my heart.
ARIES, GOD OF WAR.
Making me desire for bloodshed.

You are my saviour.
You are my light
Be mine tonight.

Doubts~

2009-04-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

Baby whats wrong?

Endless

2009-04-22T04:30:00.003+08:00

Baby, here's a poem just for you.

All i ever think is i got you baby,
your a diamond ring in a form of a lady,
Giving you my all,
cause you know i'm crazy,
Having you around,
never thought for a maybe,
Baby your my all,
and you know what i mean,
Our love standing tall,
it's as sweet as ice-cream,
As i close my eyes,
and put my hands together,
Mumbling my words,
as i'm in deep prayer,
Got to be the best,
putting on my best behaviour,
I don't care about the rest,
cause i'm a past player,
Till here i'm gonna confess,
wishing for the best,
That our love would never rest,
holding you tightly,
Listening to the beat from my chest.

Noise~

2009-04-20T04:55:00.003+08:00

Ever wondered what noise is actually?
It can be in a form of music, sounds that are too loud, nature doing its business.
Ever tried plugging in your earpiece and blasting it to max?
Do you get the thrill from all that buzzing in your ear?
Ever tried creating noise from thin air?
Ever tried putting a air pump into your ear and step on the peddle real hard?
Well, i would if you'd be soo kind as to be my test subject.
Noise you hear in the dark,noises that can't be explained by all scientific means.
What is noise actually?
Noise that comes in different wavelengths and frequency.
Something that we able-bodied people are given with.
The ability to hear noise.

While your reading this, didn't you hear that noise?
That noise that is slowly creeping behind you.

Cheers~

2009-04-19T06:55:00.004+08:00

In every context, there always has to be a beginning and an ending.

To show my gratitude for life, i have accidentally cut my own finger and allowed my blood, to flow with the water,washing away what sins i have flowing in my blood.
I haven been all that good you know.
I have lied,scammed,bullied all who was ever close to me. I don't deny doing all these things. I don't want people to befriend me just because i am nice and etc. I want them to like me,to befriend me for who i am. Just "ME".

To my dearest Nurul Hanis. I have done wrong towards you for these few days. The causes are soo simple and plain, but its the essence of our emotions. Jealousy, is the root of all things good and evil. It can make you strive to do better or just make you mock and hiss at someone your green-eyed with.

Baby, what i just want from you is your love and your concern towards me. I hate it that you sometimes share your time with other guys and leave me on the shelf for awhile. I feel lonely and useless when your off with some other guy. I admit that i am a very jealous person, but i have faith that you do know your limits. But, what i'm soo afraid of is that you'd be taken in by their sweet words. Something that i have not used to steal your heart. I just wanted you to love me for who i really am.

I know we jumped into this relationship way to fast. But i'm liking the times that we've spent together. Although short, there are lots of memories that we can relate to. I love you as how my parents love me. You really are the person i ever need.

Baby, im sorry for all the time i've made u frown and sigh. Im truly sorry babygirl. I swear by the heavens that only you are the one that resides in my heart.

Answers

2009-04-10T22:48:00.003+08:00

Hello there people.

Im glad to say that GOD has finally answered my prayers and brought to me the answer to all my problems all packed in a small package. Her name is Nurul Hanis. She is the answer to al my problems that i've been encountering throughout my life.

On the 6th of April is the day that we finally got together. I admit, it was abit difficult to get her into liking me but in the end, with some miracle, i somehow pulled it off. Now im hoping that fate would not be so cruel to cut the string between me and her.

She is now the apple of my eye, the beat of my heart, and the air that i breathe.

Went to watch movie with her in the evening and i must say, she's everything that i've ever wanted in a girl. Just pocketfull of sweetness is all i can say.

To my dear baby, i hope the conversation we had in the evening, u would understand as to who and what i am. I really LOVE u alot and i hope ur parents would also like me enough.

Till then, lets just embrace the moments being together :D

8th of April

2009-04-08T15:34:00.004+08:00

Hello there people.

If you didn't know,today marks the day that i was born. On the 08/04/90. This day marks the existence of a being by the name of Khairyl Azuan.

Im gonna be celebrating my birthday with my family members later on in the night :D

And thanks to my dear baby for giving me the best birthday present XD ILYSM :D

Here are some people that share the same birthday as me :

Sultan Iskandar of Johor, also the 8th Yang di-Pertuan Agong of Malaysia

Ole Kirk Christiansen, inventor of Lego

Betty Ford, First Lady of The United States

Alois Brunner, Austrian Nazi

Well, till my next post.

Whacked

2009-04-03T23:17:00.002+08:00

Hey there people, i'm totally whacked out by the idea of girls.

Why do girls always tend to fall for the bad guys and never the good guys. Why do good guys have to endure all the pain whereas all the bad guys get the pleasure and enjoyment of LOVE.

Whats wrong with me trying to impress you that i can actually be the one to really mend your broken heart. Do u even care about how i truly feel about u. Am i just putting on a show for you to tell your friends about??????

What am i to u? A friend? A special friend?

Hell, beats me. I'm totally whacked out now.

Moments to come~

2009-03-31T22:24:00.002+08:00

Life is beginning to take a fall. I can't seem to feel my legs no more. Can't stand on my own.

Since a few years back, i haven had a real episode that had happened to me in my life. Yesterday night was the worst attack that i've ever had. I'm truly sorry to all those that had to see me in that state of anger. I know it's not a very usual sight to encounter. Once again, i'm really sorry if i caused hurt or traumatised anyone during that event.

Love has come in a very different manner now. There's someone that has really caught my attention. She is someone very dear to me. I feel that she is the One and Only for me. But the road to her heart is filled with extreme obstacles for me. I swear to GOD, to you i will rely upon, to you that i will put my hopes and dreams on, and to you that i will cherish my moments with. But, only if the door to your heart opens up for me.

Seeing you for the first time, knowing you for a short period of time has made me realise that your the most different person i've ever met. The feelings that i'm having for you is truly one of a kind. My soul yearns for your company, your care and concern, your presence. When your not around, the feeling of missing you grows deep down inside my heart. Your the one that fills up my mind and dreams. "YOU" truly are the one for me.

I know that love has brought you down to your knees but i promise, i will do my very best with LOVE to bring you back up again, standing strong. Knowing you has never been a boring journey. I really must thank GOD for bringing you to my life. I just hope that somewhere, somehow, things will take a turn for the better.

8.30pm

2009-03-30T20:30:00.001+08:00

Life's pretty bleak

Phew~

2009-03-28T15:01:00.002+08:00

Life has been pretty much a roller-coaster ride for me.

Things have started to fall into place for some events and some pieces are starting to come undone.
I have this great fear of someone dearest to be being in a position where he's helpless and unable to help himself. If only i was there to protect him. But alas, the page has been written by HIM.

Regarding my love life for say, things are still in a standstill. Nothing new or old is affecting the way i think but somehow, someone is actually making me skip a beat when im around her. She has been a familiar face to me throughout my time knowing her. To some people, they may know her very well, and to some, they may not even realise that i really do like her.

Family, has been always supporting me with everything that i've done. They are the source of my energy, motivation and support that i need to ensure that i can stay stable. I dont want to be a burden to my family because of what has been going on between my life.

I admit that i am ashame of what i have done in the past and the present. I have thoroughly learnt from my mistakes and i hope i will never repeat it in the near future..

...

2009-03-24T20:24:00.002+08:00

Something unexpected has happened to a best friend of mine. Please don't let anything serious happen to you alright.

Untitled

2009-03-23T17:05:00.002+08:00

How could you let me go,
i thought our love would grow,
Never have i thought before,
that this would end,
Just like a show,
your eyes were soo hypnotic,
Your kisses were soo perfect,
i thought that it was worth it,
To share my love, its so classic,
if i know that this would happen,
Should have thought for just one second,
before i popped that fucking question,
Like a kid with his birthday present,
i've been hurt in to deep,
I've been lost damn too far,
wishing that you'd be here,
My starry-starry little star,
your the light when i'm in darkness,
Your the warmth when i'm in coldness,
my feelings are soo obvious,
And with "you" that i'll move on with.

Smiles~

2009-03-17T09:08:00.002+08:00

Hi there readers :)

Its really been awhile since i last posted a post that sounds real cheerful. Well, i finally think im starting to get back right on track. I've been socializing alot this few weeks. Been meeting new faces and new discoveries have been made.

I'm really proud of where i stand now. I am slowly trying to be the person that i used to be. The friendly, happy-go-lucky person that i thought was dead and gone.

It's raining now, and my dearest cousin is still asleep. I haven got any sleep because i just don't feel like it XD

Surprisingly i could finish my assignment of 5000 words in 1 day. Which was totally deprived of sleep. Haven been sleeping for almost two days now. I guess i'm too hyped up due to events coming up in the days to come.

I miss all my dear friends. Both in yishun and gombak. U guys/girls are the greatest bunch i've ever meet and i totally thank u guys for making me a part of the family. I miss the bonding, the special connection that all of us had together. Make it last kays u guys.

I miss being with a special person. Well, hopefully i can actually find true love that'll really blow my socks off..* if i'm wearing any right now* XD

I've been able to cry a few times in this year which is a very good thing. I dont cry that easily and being able to finally cry gives me that sense of happiness that i've never had.

Girl, u make me crazy,
cause, your my true lady,
Love, for you my baby,
come,when you are ready..

It happens~

2009-03-03T03:06:00.002+08:00

Sad as it is, i think i've really lost to the devil. My whole existence is being questioned by me and others. The type of person i want to be like is lightyears away from what i am now. I'm a beast in the form of a human. A beast with desires far worst then normal humans. A desire to hunt, to feel the power, to feed.

What is really ticking in my brain. Am i really losing my marbles?

I've been having strange dreams. Dreams that come in various situations. I've had a dream that states that i can't die. A dream of me seeing what seems abnormal seem normal. A dream where by anybody's deep desires can come true.

Please be the judge. Judge me for what i have become. Judge me for who i may become. Judge me for what disasters i may cause. Pray for me that i may rest peacefully. Pray for me that i may finally see the light and the end of the tunnel. To find the peace and tranquility my mind and my soul has been yearning soo much for.

The tears that could never drop without having the desire of destruction. I despise what i have become. Ashamed of myself for showing people who i am. Ashamed that i dare not tell people of what i really am.

A maniac on the lose.

A sadist.

Numerous time's ive held the blade of a knife near to my neck. In front of my mother as well. But each time i feel like stabbing myself, i find this weakened voice telling me not to do it. How long will this voice last before it truly disappears and i disappear with it??

Can someone please help me? Sitting here, alone in the dark. Tears welding up in my eyes. But barely making it down my cheeks. Save me from my misery. Save me from this torment. Wake me up from this nightmare. Please???

Memories~

2009-02-27T21:52:00.002+08:00

Here's a shocking surprise. I didn't realise that i had created a poem in malay. So enjoy the past:

Cintaku tak diterima,
oleh si gadis yang jelita,
Hidupku kini merana,
kerana teringat gadis yang kucinta,
Apakah lagi yang kau mahu,
telahku beri segalanya padamu,
Harta bendaku telahku gadai untuk cintamu,
adakah aku hidup dalam naluri mimpi,
Terbayangkan wajahmu yang indah berseri,
engkau sahajalah yang aku mencintai,
Walaupun kau tak tahu oh bidadari.

Memories~

2009-02-27T21:46:00.002+08:00

Another piece from the past :

We had so many times,
created so many rhymes,
But why are you doing this,
your leaving me far behind,
I can't seem to understand,
the things that you do,
But what i really know,
this rumors ain't through,
My life's a mess,
and fucked up im stress,
I just realised,
that i got nothing left,
I thought i was on the roll,
a dozen girls to unfold,
I treasure them like gold,
keeping them out from the cold,
I gave them love,
i gave them money,
But all i ever got,
was words as sweet as honey.

Memories~

2009-02-27T21:35:00.003+08:00

While i was browsing through my love letters from 5 years ago, i stumbled upon poems that i did way back in the past.. So im posting it here for u guys to enjoy :

Your my baby girl,
and i love you baby,
It doesn't have to be this way,
let's comtemplate on it baby,
I really love you,
and i mean what i say,
But why does it always,
have to end this way,
Is there another guy in your life baby,
whose messing us up and trying to make you his lady,
I can't sem to understand,
the reasons you say,
Please forget it all,
just for one fucking day,
I just want you baby,
to stay with me today,
A last kiss, a last hug,
just so it ends your way.

2 am~

2009-02-26T02:01:00.003+08:00

Here's a new piece inspired to me by someone :)

Never tried so hard,
trying to lay my cards,
Baby lets make a start,
cause we know our parts,
A fairytale ending is never to hard,
open your heart,
And let him show what he's got,
in the darkest moments,
You were the light in his heart,
showing him the way,
Like how our parents have taught,
as my clock is showing,
2 am in the morn,
only for you,
My thoughts penned down,
from my heart.

Heartbeat~

2009-02-26T00:23:00.002+08:00

Here i am, smiling at the thought of something. I'm trying to put some hope into this because i feel that it could work out somehow.

Life has been alright for me. Still struggling on with life. Thinking of why im acting this way. This aint how i was back in the old days.

I promise i'll try my best to pull through from my depressions, my obsessions, my delusions. Once im through with this phase, i can then show the world that im finally happy.

25th of Feb has been a very meaningful day. Knowing that i got friends i can count on. People who will be there for me. It takes me a long time to trust people and these people have really gained mine.

I can't help but think. I hope this will work out somehow. To set the pace back in my life :)

Creations~

2009-02-22T20:03:00.002+08:00

Lets talk on a topic that touches our minds.

Can we really see who loves us or who is pretending to love us. Can we really know whether someones feelings is true or just a facade. Can we really change someones heart for the sake of our own happiness. Can we ?

Girls who have boyfriends tend to have mixed emotions over someone who knows how to manipulate their desires. I'm one of them. To date, i've made out with girls that are either attached to someone for quite some time or with girls that pretend that they are single.

Why do girls such as them exist? Is the purpose solely for guys like me to satisfy our needs or is there a deeper secret behind it? I've been stabbed by my own partner who goes out with other guys,does things with other guys and yet tell me that they love me?

What type of game are they playing. I mean a r/s is to love and care for ur own partner, their families and their friends. Not to toy around with other people while saying sweet nothings to ur own partner.

If girls tend to say that guys are the only being capable of deceiving girls, then i must say ur terribly wrong. Girls too have that kind of thinking. Some girls dont receive that same attention that they want from their bf, so they find others but still they stick to their worthless bf for i dont know what reasons.

Can we truly see what lies behind the words people actually say to us. If people were more open about their feelings then i dont think this kind of misunderstanding would even occur at all. I've learned from my past mistakes. We shouldn't blame our partners for lying to us. We should actually understand the reasons for their actions.

However, if our partners are not yet frank enough to tell us the truth, to tell us what we dont have that others have. Then i think this whole cycle of breaking up and playing timers will continue..

Here's another poem i created :

Let me show you how i feel,
im gonna be real,
Wishing you were here,
enjoying the thrill,
Aint nothing less,
aint nothing more,
Doing my best to show it all,
your my baby,
Your my lover,
into your arms i'll surrender,
Thoughts of losing you makes me shudder,
hoping its a dream from a deep slumber.

Beats me~

2009-02-16T04:29:00.004+08:00

Here i am, sitting down fully awake. Life hasnt been a pretty easy ride for me. I cant seem to understand what the matter is wrong with me. Am i being judged because of all the wrong things ive done in the past?

Here i am,sitting down fully awake. Sweat dripping from my lifeless form. Smoke filling up my lungs, taking 7 mins away from my time. Nightmares is all ive been having. Nightmares after nightmares, as if its a chain.

Here i am, sitting down fully awake. My mind distorted. My breathing irregular. My whole existence being questioned. Am i suppose to be in this world? What is my purpose? What is my drive? Am i to bring joy to others or am i to bring misfortune to humanity?

Here i am, sitting down fully awake. My body battered beyond recognition. My eyes deceiving me. My mind's telling me. End this all! Wake up from this nightmare. Spread my wings and emerge from this misery. Enter into the world where i see myself as a normal being. Where everything i do seems perfectly normal. Where delusions are capable of becoming real. Where life and death is just a thing of the past. Where man can indulge in their very own fantasies.

Here i am, sitting down fully awake. Breathing out the last remainder of my smoke. Stubbing out the remainder of my ciggarette. Wishing that all of this was a dream. Wishing that life wouldnt be this harsh on me. Wishing that there was a way for me to enjoy my life without worries. Where i can drown in my own sins. Im in love with my thoughts. My thoughts of red, of blood, of things inanimate. How would u feel if u had the power to control lives. To dictate events as if it was a blank page and ur the author. How would it feel??

Moments

2009-02-05T04:19:00.002+08:00

Have u ever had that moment, when u thought that life couldn't get any harder.
Out of the sudden, things start to crumble. Breaking your soul into pieces. Well, i've had my fair share of that moment. I will go through this struggle.

Here's a new piece that i just did because i wanted to tell others what i am going through :

I, am blasted from my fate
twisted in my ways,
Damned from the girls
who i was always with,
Never had a thought
that life would be this hard,
Living and breathing
is all that i ever got,
Depressions, toleration's
are obsessions in my heart,
Feeling damn low
not being able to play my part,
Now ive got control
on how to make my start,
Living my life
day by day,
Trying my very hard.

As we resume

2009-02-01T06:26:00.002+08:00

Life is always full of surprises, be it big or small. The flow of life has come to a standstill for me. Life has no more to offer me as things have started to turn really dull. There's no more excitement and nothing to look forward to other then the next morning.

The rising/setting of the sun makes no difference to me. Be it bright/dark, all this aspects of life has no purpose for me. All i do now is just sleep really late in the night, like 6am , and wake up at around 6pm in the evening. This is my daily schedule.

I must admit 09' has brought me new problems, difficulties that i have never encountered before. Illnesses that i have never thought would actually occur in me. To date, i have two records with IMH. First is regarding my Anger Management and second is regarding my Depression.

I never expected a guy like me who used to be soo care-free and "happy-go-lucky" to be actually hit with depressions. Pray hard that u wont end up in the same state as me.

But in this early February now, my problems seem to be fading away bit by bit. Those dark clouds seem to be disappearing. But still, i cant see the rainbow. The rainbow that was once brightly decorated with magnificent colours have now become dull.

Relationship wise, i dont think i'll ever be in a r/s any time soon. I'm not making any moves on girls and up to now, i dont think that i got any special feelings towards anyone. Hopefully my heart does not stone up.

Till then...

Jan

2009-01-17T21:56:00.002+08:00

Life has been alright now. Things are getting better now. I must thank all you people for making my life better with your best wishes for me to get well. Advising me to find another purpose in life.

I was a weakling, as a matter in fact, im still a weakling. I need to be someone stronger. Someone who will be able to protect the ones he cares and loves.

I didnt expect that life would be cruel on me but that moment is slowly passing on. I want to build a better life for me. For my family and friends.

Update~

2009-01-08T15:38:00.002+08:00

Dear readers, i haven been to work fro more then god knows how long already. This is due to some unforeseen circumstances regarding my physical and mental state. I will be going to IMH again to see a counselor to get some advise regarding my state. As i've said in my previous post. I'm suffering from depression.

I have no clue as to why im suffering right now. It's just that things arent the way it used to be. All lively and exciting. Instead, things have been dull and dead. Nothing new is happening in my life although i try to make things happen.

I am also declaring that for the time being. I dont wish to be disturbed by anyone. I am also not available as a bf also as i'm starting to lose all interest in girls. This doesn't mean that im turning gay. I'm just sick and tired of ending relationships after relationships. Why can't girls stick to one guy and commit herself to him. *Sigh*

I know i still have friends around to care for me. I really appreciate your care and concern but its not the same feeling as getting it from your soulmate. But still, thanks for trying guys. Deep down, i really appreciate it. U guys are the best of friends a guy can ever ask for (u know who u guys are,the people who've sent me sms asking me to cheer up and occupying my time so i won't think of something stupid) *bows*

I got an sms stating that i may be taken off my course due to my absense from attachments. I dont blame them for doing it. It may be a joke to them if i said i was suffering from depression. Hahaha. I guess most of u all already realised that im not the cheerful and upbeat Azuan that u guys have gotten used to all these years. I'm now becoming the slow and dead Azuan. Thats just because my habits have died.

So yeah, thats the updated post regarding my life. Thanks for reading. And have a very nice day. Way nicer than my life right now. CHEERS~

How im feeling

2008-12-30T00:38:00.002+08:00

Moments when u thought u have it all planned out, it all crumbles down with your hopes and dreams dashed.

Im feeling way too low now,no one knows what im actually suffering from right now. Im happening to be suffering from depression. I dont know how im getting this but yea. Its truely happening. I may be smiling and joking like i always do but this is the cold hard truth.

Khairyl Azuan is currently suffering from depression. Thanks for reading.

Point Blank

2008-12-22T22:13:00.002+08:00

Today, went to work as usual. Thought that i was done with front office but suddenly i got called down to help out there cause one of the staff was on MC. What a joke..I mean i was sweating from doing housekeeping and i had to wear on my hotel jacket. Eee,what a joke it was. To make matters worst, 5mins into doing my work i started sneezing and my nose was suddenly unplugged. I mean water was literally dripping down like a fault faucet. DARN~

After like an hour or so, i went back up.. Did the usual housekeeping stuff and well throughout the whole cleaning process, i really felt groggy and like i was going to die.

What's happening to me?? I feel as though im becoming more and more unwell,sick,retarded,lame and *insert whatever word u want to say*.

It's like as though life has no more meaning for me. Wake up, work, sleep. This are like the three main things that i always do. I can't even get a decent day of slacking or catching up with friends without my mind constatly thinking about work. Argh~

People often say : "Too much work and no play makes jack a dull boy"
Well, i really think i'm becoming jack.. Not jack and the beanstalk but jack the retardo. My brain's getting all retarded. I'm like thinking of weird things,weird ways of doing things. It's like there's a voice in my head telling me to do stuff that i shouldnt be doing. Like overdosing on my pills in my room. Imagine this, I got around 6 small plastic bags of medicines in my room from my visit to the polyclinic. That's how sick im becoming.

Life without a girlfriend, to simply put it in one word : PAINFUL

In malay, i can say that "Aku sudah hilang tempat bermanja"
I got no one to talk to in the night time,no one to fill up my inbox,no one to spend my money and time on. Totally zilch, like im totally frigging bored to the max now without anyone by my side. Finding a girl to close that big hole in my heart seems harder then expected. I don't deny being a flirt or casanova in the pass, but here i am now being a nice/good guy.. And im finding it soo frigging difficult to find even the most basic type of girl.. What in the world is really going on with me.

See this post right now people. This is like the longest post im ever typing. Im writing everything that comes into my mind at this moment. I want to cry :(
But the F***ed up thing is that i can't cry..I sorta forgot how to cry normally. When i was a kid my parents told me that i didn't even cry. What sorta child hood did i have if i didn't even cry??

Im beginning to think that all of this thats happening to me is just a dream. Im dreaming that all this mishaps are happening to me. But everytime i open my eyes, things don't change. They just coincidentally keeps coming and gets worser everytime. I'm feeling like i'm not even an existing person. Im just some fabrication in the universe. Someone who shouldn't have been born. Someone who is to bear the boon of being a loser throughout his life. Life's making a mockery out of me now. People are mocking me when im not looking. I fell totally unappreciated. Not totally, cause i know they are people out they who appreciate what i've done for them..But majority of them despise me for who i was and for who i am now.

IM A LONER, destined to live my life alone.. A slave for time, no freedom, no enjoyment, no nothing shit..

Am i suffering from depression now?? Cause im feeling really low when i got nothing to do, i feel weird everytime im left alone in my room. Should i go consult someone about this?? I already have a record for being too aggresive..I've been to IMH for anger management. Dont tell me i have to go back there again to seek help for depression now?

What the frigging shit is going on with me man??????

I'm suppose to get PAS A for NS but when i spoke of my anger management at IMH, the doctor gave a long "hmmmm" and withouht hesitation, he said PAS B.. What u trying to mean dude?? That im not fit for PAS A?? That i could be a menace to people during my NS??

Alright, i really got nothing more to say now,imma just go and smoke a stick.. Relaxs myself abit and maybe, hopefully die a terrible death.

Reality Check

2008-12-12T00:37:00.002+08:00

Till this date, i've always helped people who are in need and never got and help instead. Now i've really made up my mind this time to actually start finding my own help/solutions.

Not having a girlfriend is really boring me out as i really got no one to hold late night conversations with,no gf to give me the advise of the day,no gf to share my ups and downs with..No one is around when i really need comfort/care/concern. I alway's wake up for work with no msges in my inbox,no miss calls and yet going home is still the same thing.. Although there are a few kind souls out there who do care bout me and shower me with abit of their precious time. But still,i really need a permanent person to be there for me and for me to be there for her.

All my life, getting dumped by girls after helping them sort out their problems have always been some sort of a habit. Blame it on myself because i think i have a magnet that is attracting me to girls with problems. Be it problems with their x's,probs with family,probs with coping with maturity and etc.

I'm really hoping for once in my whole goddamn friggin life that i can find a girl whose totally different then the rest.Not screaming for me to help them out sort out their problems and such stuff...For once,im totally sick and tired of that shit. For those i've helped with regarding their issues,u can still consult me because u people are being privillaged by me to have follow-ups. So no worries..The queue for help has officially ended since the 12th of Dec(12.46am)..

So any single ladies out there who are having the same problem as me.Please do find me.Or god,please show me a sign at least.

Untitled~

2008-12-05T20:32:00.004+08:00

The man without a face,
lives a life with no identity;
Shot by a bullet,
he feels the pain of a million death;
Gasping for air : he struggles,
only to realize no one is there to comfort;
He lives a life of a lone wolf,
being free of all;
Now his last few minutes,
wasted being a man with no face at all.

Rain

2008-11-16T16:39:00.002+08:00

Watching the rain fall,i feel a sense of calmness in my heart.I'd be willing to walk in the rain all drenched then walking in the hot sun.The rain also expresses my feelings when im sad or down cause i cant cry that easily.I can admit now that i can cry but tears only drop by the droplets..

Im feeling really great now that things are going real well between us.I really hope that in time to come,we can truly share our emotions with each other like an open book.Like the saying "Behind the storm,there's a silver lining" or something of that sort :)

Attachments are fine but its taking its toll on my health.Now i know why hoteliers are either strong in the sense that their body can take changes or weak because they cant cope with the changes.I fall into the weak because work shifts are always jumping around.I dont have the standard shifts and its pretty much hectic when guest comes by the flocks.

Well,all and all im really happ that things are going where they're going and im really looking forward to whats in store =)

...

2008-11-03T15:11:00.005+08:00

It's nearing 2 months for me being with my girlfriend,but i don't feel as though i am someone who fills up her life. This has been tiring for me to cure her of her problems. It seems as though i can't seem to pull her out of her past.

Taken from her blog:

"Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know"

U may say that this is from a song,but it fits perfectly for you. U've told me that songs are the means for u to express yourself. This fits perfectly for you. Ur still being pulled back towards your past for i don't know what reasons.

An irony:

"I try to be someone important to u but im still a nobody
I try to be someone who fills up ur life but im still a nobody
Even though im there for you,im still a nobody"

The rain's pouring heavily now. I feel as if it symbolises me in a certain way. I want to cry but i just can't seem to cry. I want to be someone important to you, shower you with love but it seems that it just doesn't reach you at all. I'll still do my best to change you,to cure you of ur problems but first of all you have to take that step of wanting to change it. Not running away from it.

One more day

2008-10-17T00:33:00.004+08:00

Hello people. I know its really been awhile since i last updated on my blog. I've been busy with attachments so i cant really update. But first of all i would like to thank my gf : Del for revamping my blog. Wee~ im loving the whole orange theme..

Im currently working at CityHub hotel which is located at 270 Jalan Besar. It's a 3-star hotel and the staff there are god damn fun to be with la. U guys should come down the hotel once in a while to see it. So,to end things off..Im really sorry if i havent been updating my blog. Really sorry :P

Glad

2008-10-07T01:00:00.003+08:00

Today on the 6th of Oct, its the first month that me and del have been together. It's true that our road isnt that easy but i know that we can make it far. I have faith in the both of us. Syg,i really must thank you for making this whole relationship work. Ily dear :)

Finally

2008-09-26T00:26:00.004+08:00

Finally i could shed tears after soo many unsuccesful tries..Thank You GOD for letting me cry :)

It feels weird

2008-09-25T23:56:00.004+08:00

This few days,i've been working to earn that small amount to splurge it on myself and my friends.I'll be waiting for that cheque please :)

I'm currently working as a price tagger which means putting prices to attire's and such.Easy job cause most of our time is slacking and taking breathers while we're paid $5/1hr.Cool or what right..

Things also seem to be going somewhere btwn the both of us.It's beginning to feel strangely unfamiliar now.The warmness of ur soul seems to be losing its warmth.I know things btwn ur past feelings regarding someone has resurfaced and u cant shake that feeling off.It's fine by me cause i understand how u feel.It's jus that ive been saying i dont feel any pain in my heart but now after knowing the truth,i feel this weird feeling in my heart.It hurts,it makes me want to cry but sadly i can't cry away these feelings.I've lost the sense to cry.My heart has lost that warmth now.It's slowly chilling and freezing back to the way i used to be.If things dont work out the way u want it then i think its best if we take a break or somewhere btwn that line.I cant bear to see things like this happening to me anymore.It seems that its beginning to be a habit for me to be the one feeling down and hurt because of my partner.

Tell me :

Does being nice to you feels weird?
Does always caring for you seems weird?
Does always showing you the time of your life seem weird?

-___________________________________________________________-"

It's giving me this cramped up feeling in my chest,in my heart.This is the feeling that i dont want to experience when im with you.But tonight had to be the night for me to feel this pain.A pain only GOD understands.Although i dont do what is written in the BOOK,i still believe in HIM...

I really hate it when this happens.A part of me just wants to go berserk and i want to feel the bodily pain and see and feel the warmness of my blood.But i know im gonna create a mess and im gonna trouble my whole family again.I've done too many of those acts already and i dont want them to be stressed over an unimportant person like me.I'm cooped up alone in my room,listening to winter sonata.The music really resonates with my soul.The pain,the loneliness,the urge to pour out tears,the feeling of being out of love.

My fav green tea is here accompanying me at this moment. I <3 u green tea.Your such a calming drink.Well i think thats about what i have to say from my heart.Things just start to feel weird starting from today :'(

Smile

2008-09-22T04:27:00.004+08:00

Its been 2 weeks+ since we've been together.I could not ask for anything more from u.U've been a great gf/friend to me and i hope im doing fine for u.I know i've made u afraid of me at certain times bcos of my anger and stuff but i promise u that i wont ever lay a finger on u kays.

Things are actually looking up for mi regarding my love life.I dont know for how long it'll last but please let it last for a long time.I'll pray for ur health and please dont scare me liddat again.I was really jumpy when u told me u werent feeling well in the middle of the night.I feared for ur safety and i felt weak that i couldnt do anything for u.

For now,my life is entrusted to you and i hope u'll take good care of me.Don't worry bout me as i will take good care of u and myself :)

Stuff

2008-09-20T00:32:00.002+08:00

Today was really the same old stuff..Had friends and even my gf around to entertain me :)

Lets start off with something on a lighter note.I know that things don't always seem to go the way u want it and sometimes u may feel that tight feeling that u have in ur heart.Well,im having that sorta pain because finally faa has found someone who has captured her heart.I just hope it doesn't turn out like something that happened in the past.All the best to you girl :)

To my dearest gf,i know u still feel that disappointment btwn ur past relationships but u shud nvr let it control u.I'll always be around to care for you kays.I promise :)

The End

2008-09-16T18:12:00.001+08:00

Like i said,things dont always go the way that u want it to be.
But what matters most is u shud stay strong.

Finally,i've laid down my cards and ended this whole thing.

To fafa,thnks for always being there and spending time with me and all.I really appreciate it alot and let me say that its been a great 6 months.I've never pretended to show u care and concern cause u know urself that i care bout u.

Having fallen for u on the night of a full moon really meant alot.The full moon was really bright and i enjoyed looking at it.It reminded me soo much of things that happened btwn.I don't even know how many full moon's we've been through in those 6 months.All this while i've been putting up with ur nonsense and building u up.I made u into who u are now.I changed u,and im proud of what i've done for u.Now is the time to be free and show the world what ur made off.

Finally, i would like the world to know that i have a gf.She's been there for me during my crisis and all.She's been there when im in need of someone to talk to.I'll do my best to be someone u can depend on kays.Tmr i'll be baking cookies at her place..hahaha :P

Im sorry that my sentences dont seem to move in a flow.I cant seem to find the flow anymore.I need to be used to this.I need habit. CHEERS~

A while

2008-09-14T04:49:00.001+08:00

Hi there readers :)

I know its been awhile since i posted something online but its because there wasn't anything interesting to write anyways. Truth be told, I'm actually feeling better now. Things are pretty much going the way i want it to be. I still have great friends i can count on: Tan,Jali,YuanJie,Iz,Ammar; they are there when needed. I'm sorry if i wasn't much of a help to u guys.

I'm currently bored at home since i ended my course and now I'm waiting for calls for attachments so whoever is free do give me a call to slack kays. I'm still confuse regarding certain stuff regarding my emotions. I have fear that one day i can't control myself and just go cuckoo.It's like there's a thin safety line to ensure me that i don't go crazy.

Regarding advises: Things don't always go smoothly but no matter what,stay strong :)

As Time Passes By

2008-09-05T23:21:00.001+08:00

It seems that I've gotten a few compliments on the latest post regarding my advise on love.To those who are actually finding it easier to deal with it after you've read my post then i salute thee.

It seems that another form of problem regarding Love has cropped up and this is what is called: Moving On In Life

A relationship is the most subtle thing that a human can ever ask for.Feeling the warm touch of the opposite sex,the care & concern that they give to us is always indescribable.Nothing can relate to the feelings and experience gained except for those who has experienced it themselves.

Another problem after that is actually what we can call a withdrawal symptom from losing the Love that we have considered a habit. When we lose the person whom we truly care about,it seems to most people that life has ended,i got no hope anymore,i feel like killing myself and etc. This shouldn't be the solution or options that u should consider or think after losing that someone. As I've said,life's full of surprises. Only time will tell what's in store for us in time to come.

This is when u have to value the true meaning of how priceless your own self is.Each individual is born to have inner strength to help them overcome obstacles that may hinder the growth of your life. That is when u have to find that inner strength and use it to actually help u in your conquest to achieve the happy results of and "i-just-broke-up" situation.

How do u summon your inner strength u say? Well,each individual's are born unique.I cant really say how to summon it but in a general manner,the most important factors are:

Having a relaxed mind to think

Clearing your conscience of all the feelings u once had

Having the drive to actually wanting to break out of it

Having the idea of what u want next in life

When u have done this,then your inner strength will come to you.The slightest hesitation will lead to a never ending cycle of "i-can't-let-go" disease.Why do i say it's a disease? Because in life,its fine to sometimes hold on to something in the past but holding on to the past or to something that can never be yours,for an extended period of time may lead u into not moving forward. By not moving forward,your similar to the history classes that you've taken.Ur a part of history while others around u are the present.

Always remember this,No one is perfect except for GOD himself. He is the higher being that pulls the strings of fate.

"When a path has led you into a dead-end,He will open a new path for you"
"When you think you've lost all hope,He will create hope for you"
"When you think you are sad, He'll create someone to be there for you"
"All that matters most is YOU"

Once Upon A Time

2008-09-02T11:17:00.000+08:00

Its 11.19am right now and i jus came back from school..Lecturer didnt come school as she always does.I dont even know what she's doing??Hmm(thinking something dirty) :P

Advise

This goes out to all who are stressed up over love.If ur one of those that have a partner but ur partner doesn't seem to take interest in u after awhile then im sad too say that:

He may actually be busy to spend time with you.
He may actually lost interest in you and found someone new.

This is the painful truth that u all have to accept when facing this situation.My advise to those in this situation,always be prepared for the worst in both mental and physical manner.

Advise(Ladies)

I've come across ladies that like to say that the person that they are with or admire is "perfect".In reality there is no such thing as perfect.Everything in this world is made to be flawed and only GOD is the only perfect manner.Ladies who are under the category of calling some guy perfect means:

You could have been sweet-talked into thinking his perfect.
He may be just the right guy for you(but u still think his perfect) :)

For situation 1, Girls are often sweet-talked into thinking that the guy has problems or that he hasn't had any luck in love and etc.This is the first tactic for a guy to gain the trust of a girl.Thus after gaining that he will manipulate u(the ladies) to do whatever he desires.You want to know why u cant resist?? Because of the idea that he's perfect and anything that he does to you (bad things of course) u still consider him perfect.Cause in your eyes ladies,perfect guys don't do wrong things.

Situation 2 is different,way different.The guy that you think is perfect may actually be the one that you will share the rest of your life with.This is only if the guy hasnt used any of the above mentioned tactics in situation 1.If he did then say goodbye to Mr.Perfect pants ladies.All i can say to situation 2 ladies,*Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder*

So today's post ended up about love and stuff because i've got a few dearest who may need advises on love as you read my blog.For those who hasnt,read on to understand more on the situation that hopefully may not befall on u.Till the next post :)

Been Awhile

2008-08-26T20:33:00.000+08:00

Hey there people..Its really been awhile since i blogged.Got a few comments from people saying that my blog dead already is it?Well~ its not,its just that things have been going way too much for me to actually think of what to write in this oOo soo ORANGE blog :)

SCHOOL

School's been going well lately.It seems that ive gotten a few new friends rather then being the invisible dude ive always been.Ive learnt to appreciate life as it is.Finally 3/4 done with my projects and 1 more to go.Attachments to hotels coming up soon and im really beginning to feel the fear and excitement of the hotel industry.I really am not prepared to face the shit that i'll get over there :(

LIFE

Life has its many ups and downs.No matter how deeply or bad u fall,u shouldn't give up and keep on trying till there's nothing else that u can do.But for those who tried and got no results,i think its about time u all gave up because the dream that ur chasing could actually hurt u more then bringing u joy in ur life.Always be prepared to face the worst and be amazed by the good things that come to those who wait :)

I went clubbing with Tan during last fri.We went to MOS with Tan's friend a two girls whom i know from my cousin.So we danced till 12+am and then the girls had to go.Soo sad :( Three gays had to dance together.Hahahah:P After we sent them off,we went in and i was exactly in front two lesbians who were kissing and sucking on each others tits.OMG~ not the right place to do it.Soo many spectators actually enjoying the show sia.But overall,my experience at MOS was really a great time but i expected the crowd to be more sporting.The crowd was down right LAME SHIT :(

GIRL

Never really expected it to be this way,
Of all the hugs and kisses ive given u till this day,
I thought that it could grow but it faded away,
Like the morning dew,
I saw it fly away,
All my hopes and dreams,
Keep crashing down that way,
I think im out of luck to make u go my way,
Till this very day,
I failed in making anyone stay,
Just for "YOU" baby,
Come and take me away.

A short poem to girls that have played a part in my life.This is how i kinda feel about all of u.I hope that all the wrong things that ive done towards all of u,i wish that u can forgive me in the most sincerest ways.Thnks for spending your precious time with a worthless bum like me :)

Alright ladies & gentlemen,till the next post.Have fun and stay healthy.CHEERS~

Pretend

2008-08-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

This post is specially for fafa..I dont understand why things are becoming worse again now?U told me that even aft we broke up,u'll still be as close to me.We've walked together for 6mths,enduring all that obstacles that happened.I endured all the hardships to make u into changewho u are now.Now ur telling mi that im pretending that i need you?What makes u think that im pretending?

Isit bcos i rarely msg u now?
Isit bcos i dun seem to care much about u?

I really dun understand things at the moment now.I still nid u close to me.I nid my closest person who has known me for 6mths oready.Ur the closest person i have nxt to a gf.If ur not there to give mi support then who will.If ur not there then i'll be lonely without anyone caring for me.If u still want to keep on saying that im pretending to need you then so be it.Oh well,thats life~
Today also,went 118 to actually find ppl to beat up in the end nvr come down.ZzZz,no balls the person sia! At least got phyllis there to comfort me..Hahaha,thnks soo much for helping me out during this troubled times.I owe u big time sia :)

Apologies

2008-08-13T20:27:00.000+08:00

To all those ppl that are close to me,thnks for being there when i was broken last night.U guys really helped me shape me back to where i last left off..

YJ
Chloe
Phyllis
Suffy
Fafa
Ammar

Things now seem to be much more clearer.My only best brothers,YJ,Tan & Ammar are the only ones i can always rely on.They are my closest brothers next to my own kin.My blood bro's and my younger bro..So now im gonna look forward and think of what life will have for me.

School's a drag! Nothing seems to be interesting for me now.I slpt like alot during classes for the past few months now.I guess my stamina/zest is really getting really low.Oh well thats life for me :)

Feelings Soo Wrong

2008-08-12T20:47:00.000+08:00

This may by far be the most saddest post that i have.It seems that i really lost my touch in this game called "LOVE".It seems that whoever i try to get close to,there'll always be some sort of barrier btwn me and their heart.This is strike three for me already.I dun even know whether i got the strength to move on with life as the Azuan that i knew.

My relationship wif Fafa broke due to her personal reasons(i understand)
My efforts to make _ _ _ _ _ like mi sorta didnt get through her(becos of someone)
My effort to make _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ like mi died down like a candle in a strong wind

I've never been this lost because of love but oh well thats life for me right.I deserve all that i got because of what i've done in the past.I guess this is karma of wadever u'll like to call it.People seem to be in love but now im like totally lost.

What am i suppose to do now?
How am i suppose to go about doing it?
Who will be the one to guide me to my happiness?

Questions that i cant even ans for myself.WHERE ARE "YOU"???? :'(

Misery

2008-08-10T20:01:00.000+08:00

Yesterday conferenced wif chloe and YJ.Talked and talked then suddenly me and YJ quarelled over something that i said.It was meant as a direct approach for u to understand what i meant and i didnt meant it to hurt u that much also.So to YJ,i'm really sorry kays if i've offended u in someways or another.Guessed i wasnt thinking straight.

Today,i cant really explain why but i jus feel that life's been really bad on me..Oh well,thats for me right.But i jus cant seem to find thelife right pieces to my almost complete picture.

The right girl
The right atmosphere to learn
The right friends in school
The right way to treat everyone equally

Although im trying my best,it jus doesnt seem that i can do this alone.I nid "YOU".

Today in History

2008-08-09T23:08:00.000+08:00

Welcome readers! Today in history,we have become what we are now.Im proud to be a singaporean.So, i slpt like 15hours today+ bathed and went to grandparents house. I've decided to stop wooing _ _ _ _ _.Cos i jolly well know i cant give her the happiness that she yearns for.Im jus someone whose good enough to be known as friends.In life, there's always surprises and oh well thats life for you~

Life as it is

2008-08-08T20:37:00.001+08:00

Today, I slept like from 8am-11am in school. School was really boring as seriously speaking,i don't have really close friends that i can click with. After that went slacking wif Hairil at 118 and we waited for "those" ppl like for about 3 goddamn hours sia..Zzz..We went for sparring sessions + in the end i had a really terrible cramp around my thighs.Been awhile since i really trained myself.Oh well that's life.

I'm really confuse regarding _ _ _ _ _.I mean im like 4th in line..OMG~ how long is the queue anyways. Hmm..But i promise myself to give my best even if the results aint satisfying.Had a talk wif fafa yesterday night. Talked to her and i actually did feel better cos i knew i could change her sadness to happiness.Well,to fafa "JYJY"!

So now im slacking and waiting for my last breath :)

The First of Many

2008-08-07T01:46:00.001+08:00

Welcome ladies & gentlemen to the first of many edition of my blog. I've come to a decision to create a blog of my own for the purpose of reflecting. It may seem lengthy but do read on to know more bout the first and many events of my life.

Life doesnt seem that cheerful when ur having problems wif school,friends whom u regard as brothers,the girl that u like and the advices that u give which in the end backfires. Oh well,thats life for you!